I never had a very good poker face. To her credit, she never once suggested I might be the problem. She never even suggested I get checked. Maybe she didn’t need the test to know that I was not a man. Cindy gradually stopped bringing up adoption or even wanting to have kids. She seemed to be resigned to staying with me and living a childless marriage. I loved her beyond imagining, but harbored a deep and lingering feeling that I was no longer good enough for her.My feelings caused me to pull back from her. I became distant and less affectionate. When we tried to have sex, all I could think about was my lack of sperm and my inferiority as a man. I started having performance issues and struggled to get hard. When I could get hard, I often would lose my erection in the middle of sex. Cindy never complained. She would slide off, tell me it was okay, then get herself off with one of the toys in her collection.My inability to make her cum only added to my feelings of inadequacy. I started. He was just ... there. Almost had me convinced that there was one more Holstein black and white in a herd of 25. Then he would do something outrageous ... like ... ignore a heifer in season ... something no self-respecting bull would do.He might appear out of nowhere ... sitting in a comfy puffy leather recliner while a dozen ravening wolves circled snarling and snapping at the invisible barrier that surrounded him ... keeping him safe while they set upon the weakest or oldest of their pack, tearing the victim to bloody rags.For a cow, he was awfully thin. Hell. For a human he was thin. He would bedevil my dream and disappear.“I had the cow dream last night,” Abby would often say ... on the same night as he interrupted me.“Say anything?” I asked.“Nope ... just stood there ... grazing,” Abby said.“Did you say anything?”“Nope.”This went on as Abby turned 14... 15... 16. She might be smart ... but she suffered through teenage angst and hormones ... just like she was a real girl. I.
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